Tuesday, March 21, 2017

No Longer Hostage

On Our Walk...The Beauty that Fills my Spirit
Dear Readers,
Alcohol was bankrupting me emotionally, spiritually, and physically.
It was holding me hostage, and slowly strangling me.
My goodness was being eroded, my growth stopped.

It was not the solution to the problems I thought it would be.
It did not give me courage, in fact, it made me more fearful.
It did not make me brave, instead it made me a coward.
It did not give me confidence.
It did not make me pretty, nor a better teacher, nor richer.
It did not make me happier in any area of my life.

It did not make me a better wife, sister, daughter, or aunt.
It did not make me think clearer.
It did not make me wiser or stronger.
It did not make me kinder, and instead made me angry and bitter, full of resentments.
It did not make me feel less lonely.

It just stopped me dead in my tracks. 
I could not move forward in anyway until I stopped drinking.
Only since I stopped drinking have I been able to look at myself with less delusions, and with more honesty and clarity.

I believe we are all connected in this life. When I feel different, or feed into my self-pity, I lose that connection. Everyone has times of feeling different, feeling fear and anger.
As soon as I set myself apart from this understanding, or as soon as I see my problems as worse than another person, I suffer.
I suffer because I fail to understand the much bigger picture of life.
We need each other, and we need to forgive ourselves and others.
We need to support each other, because no one can do life alone.
My 91 Year Old Mother, Still Strong and Lovely

Today at my AA meeting, I had an intense feeling of being connected to my fellow humans who struggle with the same things I do. I saw more in common than I did differences.
All ages, races, genders have the same human struggles.

Today, I am living and loving my life sober.
More often, I am able to forgive myself for my mistakes, and let go of my perceived mistakes.
I am learning that there is no perfection, not for myself, not for other people.
Now, I am able to give freely of myself, not only to other people, but also to myself.

With Joy and Love,
On Day 929,
Wendy

PS - We just went to Boise, Idaho, to visit my mom, who lives with my brother and sister-in-law. This visit filled me with so much love.



Friday, March 3, 2017

Obstacles

Dear Readers,
I just am so thankful for this on-line healing community.
Thank you for your support. I know if I post something here, I have a world of people holding my hand.
I truly love all of you for sharing your strength with me.
My depression has lifted, and although I am still sick, I feel un-stuck and ready to go!

I am so thankful for my hubs, who loves and cares for me in a way I can't even describe.
We met in 11th grade of high school, and dated steady until we got married.
That's a long time of loving.

I thought of this topic for awhile, and wondered what held me back from getting help for myself sooner.

Of course, my biggest obstacle was denial.
I wasn't that bad. I felt it would be horrible to be labeled an alcoholic. To be honest, I think some of that came from watching my dad's alcoholic behavior, which was not pretty.

Another huge roadblock for me was the fun/social aspect of drinking.
I felt that I was funnier, had more fun, and was invited to more places drinking.
That is something I did not want to stop.

When I was teaching, Friday nights were big drinking nights. I would have too many, sometimes starting at happy hour, and then lying to hubs and having a lot more at home.
Why? I needed it to relax. I deserved it. How else would I de-stress from the week?
This too held me back.

When I dug down deep, I thought of another obstacle...my ego.
I really felt superior to non-drinkers. I thought they were religious nuts or were boring.
This was hard for me to admit.

I think some of my drinking was a rebellion of sorts. Like a teenager, I said you can't make me do anything. I'll drink if I want to. I refused to see reality. 

At my AA meeting the other day, a woman said:


 What happens when you drink?
How is that working for you?

Yikes. That really cut to the core. It certainly didn't work well for me!

I learned, and continue to learn from the word "willingness".
I was finally willing to see past the obstacles, and face the truth.

With GIANT hug,
On Day 911,
Wendy

PS - Prim has a good post about willingness, and you can read it here!