Last week I was going through some of those, "I wish I could still drink" thoughts.
I am not going to drink, but I was feeling a bit sorry for myself.
It sometimes surprises me when these feelings pop up, but then again, I know this is normal.
I think it started with hearing stories about a friend who went away for a girls' weekend. They had a great time dancing, bar hopping, laughing and just being silly.
There was a lot of drinking.
I also saw some people I know having a great vacation with friends, posting all the photos on social media. Drinking was also involved here.
I tried talking to my Loved One about what I was feeling and thinking.
He got a little angry. He reminded me not to romanticize the drinking. I think it is hard for my Loved One to hear my feelings around drinking at times.
He says he is sorry I have to deal with these. He wants to help.
Then I talked to another friend of mine who was sober for a year, and is now drinking again.
He told me he wished he had not relapsed.
He told me he hated the hangovers, overeating, feeling tired, and the feelings of not being sharp.
I also talked to my AA friends in a meeting. They told me this is very normal.
I looked a little closer at my feelings, and I think the thing I was really feeling sorry about was not the drinking as much as it was missing connections with other people. It doesn't take me long to lapse into a lonely feeling, or feelings of being left out if I am not careful.
After listening a little closer to my girlfriend, I heard some reasons why the weekend wasn't as fun as I first thought. There were fights, hurt feelings and someone throwing up.
When these thoughts and feelings come up, it is important to me to voice them. Here on my blog or to safe friends, ones who understand.
Not because I will drink today, but to be sure I see the deeper reasons why drinking will not help me. Also so that I don't hide the thoughts.
Drinking won't make me be less lonely.
It won't make my vacations beautiful.
It won't get me more real friends.
I feel grounded this today. I wrote this post, saw my life coach, went to yoga, talked to my sister, and visited with a friend. A perfect day for me.
Oh, and I laughed and had fun, and kissed hubs.
On Day 500