Tuesday, February 16, 2016

Day 500!

Dear Readers
Last week I was going through some of those, "I wish I could still drink" thoughts.
I am not going to drink, but I was feeling a bit sorry for myself.
It sometimes surprises me when these feelings pop up, but then again, I know this is normal. 

I think it started with hearing stories about a friend who went away for a girls' weekend. They had a great time dancing, bar hopping, laughing and just being silly. 
There was a lot of drinking.
I also saw some people I know having a great vacation with friends, posting all the photos on social media. Drinking was also involved here.

I tried talking to my Loved One about what I was feeling and thinking. 
He got a little angry. He reminded me not to romanticize the drinking. I think it is hard for my Loved One to hear my feelings around drinking at times.
He says he is sorry I have to deal with these. He wants to help.

Then I talked to another friend of mine who was sober for a year, and is now drinking again.
He told me he wished he had not relapsed.
He told me he hated the hangovers, overeating, feeling tired, and the feelings of not being sharp. 

I also talked to my AA friends in a meeting. They told me this is very normal.

I looked a little closer at my feelings, and I think the thing I was really feeling sorry about was not the drinking as much as it was missing connections with other people. It doesn't take me long to lapse into a lonely feeling, or feelings of being left out if I am not careful.

After listening a little closer to my girlfriend, I heard some reasons why the weekend wasn't as fun as I first thought. There were fights, hurt feelings and someone throwing up.

When these thoughts and feelings come up, it is important to me to voice them. Here on my blog or to safe friends, ones who understand.
Not because I will drink today, but to be sure I see the deeper reasons why drinking will not help me. Also so that I don't hide the thoughts.

Drinking won't make me be less lonely.
It won't make my vacations beautiful.
It won't get me more real friends.

I feel grounded this today. I wrote this post, saw my life coach, went to yoga, talked to my sister, and visited with a friend. A perfect day for me.
Oh, and I laughed and had fun, and kissed hubs.

On Day 500 
With Acceptance,
Wendy

18 comments:

  1. Dear Wendy,
    Congratulations on 500 days! That is so awesome! I'm sorry you've been going through a challenging time. I guess it is normal for these sort of feelings to crop up from time to time. Knowing how to deal with them and who to turn to seemed to help you though. I hope I can build up a sober network like yours in real life. You are truly inspirational. A x

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    1. Hi Angie!
      I love to be able to talk to people who have had similar experiences, thoughts and feelings.
      It really helps.
      Thank you so much for your support!
      xo

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  2. Dear, dear Wendy,
    Congratulations on your 500 days! :-) I am happy for you. And for me because you are a beautiful online friend and any post and comment I read from you brings a smile to my face and puts a light in my heart. Thank you for being here. :-)
    xx, Feeling

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    1. Oh Feeling!
      Thank you for the very kind words!
      I love being your friend!
      If I lived by you, I'd go biking with you!
      xo

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  3. I too think it is important to acknowledge you can missing drinking at times and the escape it gives. But the bigger picture is it is just not fun anymore and life is easier and better without it. Great post, well done on 500!! xxx

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    1. Very good point, Kats!
      I can be missing it a times, and yet be so happy I'm not drinking anymore!
      xo

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  4. Congratulations on 500 days! Woohoo!! I completely identify with what you say about those urges to drink being more about wanting to feel connected to others. Loneliness is a big trigger still for me to numb out in other ways (with food, mindless games, etc), and it helps sometimes to reach out to others or just ride it out, because it does always pass. Congrats again to you on your milestone!

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    1. Thank you, Kristen!
      Funny thing is, I guess I am on day 530!
      Belle just told me I am off my count.
      She has it right. That's funny!
      xo

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  5. :-)Yes!!! That would be nice. We would first go here: (hope you find beautiful pictures of a pitoreske village) https://www.google.nl/search?q=broek+in+waterland&source=lnms&tbm=isch&sa=X&ved=0ahUKEwiEt_ux7f7KAhXBWRQKHXDwAuwQ_AUICCgC&biw=1519&bih=672&dpr=0.9

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  6. Hi Wendy! Hooray for you and your 500 sober days! I sure hear you on feeling left out. I can so easily fall prey to that feeling, too. In fact, drinking exacerbated the feeling, and I know that now. But still there are times when I see what looks like bonding over the silliness of alcohol, and it can make me lonely. For me, it's such a relief to have people around to talk with about this, and it's something of a relief to know this happens to you, too (though I wouldn't wish it on you!) It's great to read this, and I know I will think back on it next time I get that left out feeling. (And if I lived near you and Feeling I'd love to join in on your bike ride!) Big hug to you xo

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    1. Biking it is!
      I don't like it when I go into the self-pity mode.
      It is something I am working on.
      I can feel sorry for myself or take some action to get out more.
      It's up to me!
      xo

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  7. Big milestones have that ability to unsettle too and 500 is an awesome milestone Wendy :) Huge congrats lovely xx

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  8. Well done on 500(530) days, that is awesome! Don't forget when people tell you about vacations, parties, events, they play you the highlights reel not the full movie. Sometimes it is them trying to sell you the wonder of it all but actually they realise it wasn't all they wanted it to be but can't admit it to themselves. I sometimes feel lonely too but when I am then in a busy, crowded space even with friends, I crave the quiet of my own company. Similar to you maybe I like coffee and chat with a friend, a walk with my dogs, dinner and good conversation rather than the full on frenetic madness or being out and about on the booze. I am glad you checked in with yourself and found some peace in it.

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    1. Thank you, GHG!
      I do know that is true about FB posts for sure.
      I had three good days this week, because I got out for a little bit and had time to myself, too.
      xo

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  9. Hi Wendy...I wish there were an easy way that we could all meet once in a while in real life...you know it seems that so many social events and venues are very alcohol-centric so it does seem difficult at times to forge connections with others sans alcohol. I don't think we really need it, but I do think that we "think" we need it at times (I hope that makes sense).
    Thank you for your very honest post. I think like that every once in a while and it scares me a little. I guess it's just part of this whole deal.
    Happy 500+ days!
    Jenn

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    1. Thanks Jenn!
      I wish we could all meet, too!
      I think sober bloggers are very cool people!
      xo

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