Tuesday, October 17, 2017

"Jet Er Nok" ; I am Enough

Dear Readers,

"It's not the world that has changed, it's me that has changed." - Heard at a meeting

When I read all the sober bloggers, and think about my friends, family, and myself, I notice one of our underlying human themes is that we are not enough.
We cannot accept who are, always striving for more, wanting more, comparing ourselves, grasping.

I used to be so angry at myself for not being thin, for not being a better teacher, for not having more friends, for not being a better singer, for anything.
I used to not accept who I was.
There were times I hated myself.

It really is only since I have been in recovery for my drinking, going to AA, reading sober blogs, finding a good therapist, and finding a recovery group on Twitter, that I have slowly turned this around. I am learning about self-compassion. 

Recovery has allowed me to learn to be kind to myself. This is new to me. After all the hate and anger at myself and my body, I am learning to treat myself nicely. With love.

Recovery has allowed me to focus on what I have, not what I don't have.
Being grateful is one of the most important lessons I have learned to help me connect with my inner loving spirit.

Recovery has meant I realize I am part of the human race, and all of us suffer. 
Every human in the whole world has felt rejected, hurt, or have made bad choices.
When I forget that, I get focused only on me, my problems, and poor me.

I am learning my negative thoughts are not true. I can observe them, but not believe them.
Being kind to myself means I can be kind to other people. Forgiving myself means I can forgive others. 
I Love This Guy!

The world continues on, with good and bad things. People continue to hurt each other, and be kind to each other. Nothing has changed.
But I have. 

I do not hate myself anymore.
I am not perfect, but human.
I am enough.

With Loving Thoughts,
On Day 1,138,


Tuesday, October 3, 2017

I Sing Red Leaves

Dear Readers,
I will be 37 months sober on October 4.
There is nothing I am more grateful for than being sober today.

Mr. UT and I thank you all so very much for your kind words, love, and prayers!

The good news is the lung doctor does not think I have any lung disease. He said the ER radiologist "over-read" the chest X-ray.
I will have a CT scan, and he will wait until he sees that to make final decision, but hubs and I are 80% hopeful!
Of course, we will still have to figure out what is going on with my breathing, but at least it seems we have eliminated all of the major bad things! 
It was a lesson learned, to wait until I have more information before I freak out.

Which is the hardest thing in the world for me...to stay present, and not project into the future.
The future is fantasy. 
I can plan for it, but how it turns out is out of my control.
I can plan trips, save money, look forward to spending time with hubs, but in the end, I know trips might be canceled, money spent elsewhere, and hubs might have to work longer than I thought.
I just don't know.

What I do know is, I want to be aware of the here and now. 
I want to pay attention to things that matter. 
I want to check up on friends and family and make sure they know they are loved.
To be sure hubs knows how much I appreciate him and all that he does for me.
To really listen to people before I jump in to offer advice.
To be grateful I have a roof and food today.
To make the bed and do the dishes.
To embrace the rainy and the sunshine day.
To say thank you to people.
To smile.
To be my highest self, today, right now.

I wrote a poem last week, when I was feeling a bit down about not being able to hear music. 
But I am so grateful I was able to get a cochlear implant so I can hear words. I can talk to people! What a wonderful invention! How lucky and grateful I am that I have health insurance that paid for this.
I have hope that someday the makers of the implant can make better software so I can hear music again, but if not?
I am still grateful. 
From One of My Many Walks!

I Sing Red Leaves

There is no music left in my ears,

There are only strange noises, 
That come out of the radio,
Like sticks banging and alien songs.

There is no music in my guitar,

Or piano anymore,
They don't speak to me in a
Language I understand.

Some days I cry,

Some days I can accept,
That my music lies somewhere else,
That my songs are of a different color.

Not deaf to all,

I hear music of good things,
I hear the beauty of nature,
I hear the sweet touches from my love.

Not deaf to the songs, 

That still sing in my head.

Can I not sing these in gratitude,

To all that I have?

I sing red leaves and blue sky,

I sing love and memories,
Some days I cry,
Some days I say yes.

With Hope and Love, 
On Day 1,124,

PS - My friend in recovery, Dan Maurer, who writes the Transformation is Real, on FB, is also an author. He has a new book out, called Endure: The Power of Spiritual Assets for Resilience to Trauma & Stressthat I have read. bit.ly/ENDURE-Book

It's a beautiful book, with stories of people who have gone through different traumas and yet, are resilient.  In the book, Dan reminds us to focus on spiritual assets that will help with the stress; honesty, acceptance, gratitude, hope, faith and love.