Tuesday, January 24, 2017

This is the Face of Recovery

Much Love Here!
Dear Readers,
I am one of the many faces of recovery.
The photo of Mr. UT and me shows the feeling I have of being sober.

People can and do recover.
I am no longer ashamed of myself and my drinking. I am very happy I quit, because if I had continued I know the consequences would have gotten worse.

Lately I have had some self-pity, feelings of being left out in a group, where I am not included. I acted out some of these feelings by crying and telling different people, (ones I felt safe with), that I didn't belong in the group. I felt ashamed of the feelings of being left out, and then felt more shame by crying to the other people. 

Dancing Sober is Super Fun!
It's hard to accept reality, and it's hard to let go of feeling like a victim.
But this has been a story I have carried for far too long, one I really want to let go of.

So today, as a strong sober woman, who is loved by many, I declare myself free of this story. 
I have decided to show my wonderful friends and family more love, to be less passive.

The dancing picture shows me at a music fundraiser for the Steve Rummel Hope Foundation, where I volunteer! I really enjoyed this night, and I even could hear the beat of the band so I could dance!

I am the face of recovery, one of many.
We are strong and courageous.
I almost forgot that during my self-pity time.
I almost forgot that my purpose is to show other people how great being sober can be, to help other people in recovery, and to just be happy.

I want to continue on dancing through this life, with all the ups and downs, with all the pain and delight, showing everyone that this is recovery.

With A Big Thank You for Your Friendship,
On Day 873,

Tuesday, January 3, 2017

Being Ready

Our Christmas Photo!
Dear Readers,
I was thinking about why I was able to stop drinking.
I think it all comes down to being ready because I didn't want the pain that drinking brought me.
All the tools in the world didn't help until then. 
I had tried to stop before, but I wasn't really ready.
I had to want to stop.

The pain of drinking became too much:

My depression was worse.
Hubs and I were fighting about my drinking. 
I started having blackouts.
I was driving drunk, and in constant worry about getting home safe.
I was crying.
I was falling down sometimes.
I felt shame when hubs found all my hidden bottles.
I felt ashamed of myself.
I had thoughts of suicide while drinking.
I went to yoga drunk.
People I knew saw me drunk in situations that embarrassed me.

In recovery language, I guess you would call this my bottom.
But whatever you call it, it was just too painful to keep drinking.

Now, I can honestly say:

I still suffer with depression, but it is very manageable.
Hubs and I now fight about who feeds the birds, or how to sort the laundry.
I have no more blackouts; I wake up knowing everything that happened yesterday!
I am driving safely, not putting anyone in harms way.
I cry only over real problems.
I fall down only when I run with my socks on the stairs.
My feelings of shame have left me, as I am not hiding anything.
I have no thoughts of suicide.
I am going to yoga with all my muscles intact, and I do need them all!
I just don't feel embarrassed anymore, except when I talk too loudly sometimes. 

I can make myself miserable over other things, but they pale in comparison to how miserable I was drinking.

Today, I choose not to drink.
I choose peace of mind.
I choose life.

With Much Love,
On Day 852,