Tuesday, January 3, 2017

Being Ready

Our Christmas Photo!
Dear Readers,
I was thinking about why I was able to stop drinking.
I think it all comes down to being ready because I didn't want the pain that drinking brought me.
All the tools in the world didn't help until then. 
I had tried to stop before, but I wasn't really ready.
I had to want to stop.

The pain of drinking became too much:

My depression was worse.
Hubs and I were fighting about my drinking. 
I started having blackouts.
I was driving drunk, and in constant worry about getting home safe.
I was crying.
I was falling down sometimes.
I felt shame when hubs found all my hidden bottles.
I felt ashamed of myself.
I had thoughts of suicide while drinking.
I went to yoga drunk.
People I knew saw me drunk in situations that embarrassed me.

In recovery language, I guess you would call this my bottom.
But whatever you call it, it was just too painful to keep drinking.

Now, I can honestly say:

I still suffer with depression, but it is very manageable.
Hubs and I now fight about who feeds the birds, or how to sort the laundry.
I have no more blackouts; I wake up knowing everything that happened yesterday!
I am driving safely, not putting anyone in harms way.
I cry only over real problems.
I fall down only when I run with my socks on the stairs.
My feelings of shame have left me, as I am not hiding anything.
I have no thoughts of suicide.
I am going to yoga with all my muscles intact, and I do need them all!
I just don't feel embarrassed anymore, except when I talk too loudly sometimes. 

I can make myself miserable over other things, but they pale in comparison to how miserable I was drinking.

Today, I choose not to drink.
I choose peace of mind.
I choose life.

With Much Love,
On Day 852,
Wendy

52 comments:

  1. Replies
    1. A truly wonderful post, all classic drunk scenarios, the last time I fell down the stairs with socks on I was hungover and my ankle took a year to heal!!
      Love your reads x

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    2. Thank you, PMAH!
      I have to be very careful with socks!
      xo

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  2. Yes! Its that thing about being sick and tired of BEING sick and tired! I am so grateful for that night in May last year that changed eveything for me. Some people need a shock to actually realise that they are ready to surrender. If that night didn't happen I might still be drinking and decending faster into oblivion.

    How on earth did you managed to do yoga drunk? I tried doing crow pose as a party trick once and fell flat on face:) Depression is a real problem for me too and my post partum depression causes a really long relapse when my son was 6 months. I need to be vigilant and mindful of that because it never leaves you it just goes into hiding.

    Your photo is lovely! xxx

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    1. Well, it wasn't pretty.
      One time I fell over and rolled across the room.
      You are right about depression...I have to be on top of it!
      xo

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  3. No running in socks down the stairs, Wendy! haha I LOVE this post. The picture is adorable as always...you make a beautiful couple. But more than that, what you say about the pain behind drinking as the real reason you quit, well that was it for me too. It was wicked hangovers that I had to pretend were not happening. It was scary blackouts and reckless decisions I was pretty sure would catch up to me soon (because how could they not?). I was sick and tired of feeling sick and tired, and even feeling a little bit that way is somewhere to start, like seeing a little space and working it a little bit at a time. It is not normal or acceptable to feel miserable all the time, but it is a kind of gift. xoxo

    ReplyDelete
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    1. Oh, I forgot to include hangovers!
      Now, I can see that it took some time to see what is right in front of me but I didn't want to see it. Then one day, I just could't ignore it anymore!
      I am glad I don't have that pain from drinking anymore, that's for sure!
      xo

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  4. Great post. I feel like this post gives such insight to what a great person you must be. I laughed at the sock on the stairs, the talking too loud and the drunken yoga. Ive done all those things and more. I also relate to the depression and know that the alcohol makes it so much worse. As always, thanks for sharing

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    Replies
    1. Thank you, Mrs. S.
      There was more to be sure!
      But not anymore!
      xo

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  5. Yay! I choose life too! It is wonderful. Love SP xx

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  6. Thanks, Wendy! These are many of the reasons I am choosing to stop drinking now! Thanks for constantly reminding me here and on my blog how great life can be without alcohol. I appreciate your support more than you know :)

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    Replies
    1. It really can be, and I really didn't think it could.
      Keep on trying...never give up.
      xo

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  7. Sounds like surrender which was for me too :) Waving the white flag to it all! xx

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    Replies
    1. Oh yes, surrender it was!!
      I gave up the fight.
      xo

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  8. Day 852!! That is impressive. Some of your reasons are some of my reasons, too. Great post, Wendy. Very inspiring. I also want to thank you for stopping by my blog and commenting. I very much appreciate it even though I'm not on top of answering the comments. I hope to pay more attention to my much-neglected blog this year.

    On Day 30,
    Rania

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    Replies
    1. Yay on Day 30, Rania!
      You are welcome, and it is by reading and commenting that we stay connected with other people who understand!
      So thank you, for your comments!
      xo

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  9. Lovely photo Wendy. You are so right about having to be ready. Having wanted,tried and failed I feel definitely more ready this time. I don't know if this is THE one, but I'm getting closer. That sounds like I think I'll fail, but I'm aware that when I'm doing well I'm most vulnerable. That's why successful bloggers like yourself are so important. Thanks for taking the time.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I had to learn that I could have a fun life without drinking, along with not wanting the pain anymore.
      I had to prove it to myself.
      I know in the beginning I looked at the bloggers who had been sober longer and I wanted what they had!
      But I also learned that it is the newly sober people who have so much courage!
      xo

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    2. New way- One thing about being ready...it doesn't mean it will be easy. So don't think you need to wait until it is, because that would be a shame.
      It can be today.

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    3. I agree. Life is not a rehearsal, so no point in waiting. I do keep adding strategies to my tool kit. I'm on day 11 now and this time is not easier, I'm just more prepared. I'm not fighting myself, I'm taking a kinder more encouraging approach.

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  10. Day 852!!!! That's fantastic. The comparison is great and so true. Problems are still there, but they are less. X

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    Replies
    1. For sure, I still have PLENTY of problems, but at least I can deal with them much better!
      And now I don't have the icky problems brought on by drinking!
      Thank you, PDTG!
      xo

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  11. Lovely photo Wendy! I'm with you on the being ready and really wanting to stop. It just doesn't work otherwise. Your new list is excellent! Red xx

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    1. Thank you, Red!
      It just doesn't.
      I hope you are feeling better!
      xo

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  12. That is such a sweet photo! I love that you hang up stockings for each other. Two people as nice as you must have got LOTS of presents in them :)

    A great list of why you could stop drinking. The change that I thought was especially interesting was 'I cry over only real problems' - so true and shows that there will still be problems in life when we are sober, and it is fine to cry over them and live through them. Happy 2017 to you both, dear Wendy! Prim xx

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    Replies
    1. Thank you so much, Prim!
      I get a lot more in my stocking than Mr. UT does!
      Funny how that works!
      Alcohol made its own problems, and made my real ones worse!
      Happy New Year!
      xo

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  13. Amazing, inspirational and a genuine leader - thank yo for being a part of my life - you are awesome Wendy!

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    1. Thank you, Bren!
      You helped me write out my story!
      So I thank you!
      xo

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  14. Great post Wendy, and absolutely lovely picture of the two of you! Considering how some of us used alcohol to escape from our problems, it sure could make those problems a lot worse, plus cause many more!

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    Replies
    1. I know, and I am very, very thankful I didn't have any more problems, as they would have continued to get worse!
      Thank you for commenting!
      xo

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  15. Beautiful picture. You both look happy.
    It was the suicidal thoughts that probably topped the scales for me. I was truly scared I might really hurt myself and when I wasn't in a drunken state I knew that would be so unfair to my children.
    I just couldn't let that happen without at least trying sobriety!

    Good thing we didn't wait longer. While our reasons are scary, at least they didn't land either of us in the hospital, jail or worse.

    And we found joy!

    Hugs
    Anne

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I am very thankful I didn't wait any longer. I could see around the corner, and it wasn't pretty.
      Thank you so much, Anne!
      We did find joy and peace of mind!
      xo

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  16. Great photo :) Hooray for fighting over feeding birds and talking too loud!! xx

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    1. Lol!
      There are plenty more little ones I could have said!
      xo

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  17. I can totally relate to this post. I've worried about all of those things over the years. I'm on day 7 so I have a long road ahead of me but I'll get there! In awe of you!

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    1. Hi Suzanne!
      You will get there!
      Don't think of the long road, but just think of now.
      This day and this night are better staying sober!
      xo

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  18. Love this post! And the experience I can relate to except the drunk at yoga. I had to laugh at that one because there is a scene from the movie "Forgetting Sarah Marshall" about that. ; )
    And you are right -- life sure is easier on the other side. Thanks for being such an inspiration, Wendy. ; )

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  19. Depression is something which dogs me. Do I drink because I am depressed or am I depressed because I drink? This is something I hope to find out.
    Wonderful photo! You guys always look so happy it makes me smile.
    SO xx

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    Replies
    1. Hi SO,
      I suffer from anxiety and depression.
      For me, one of the reasons I drank was to relive these, but of course, they were made worse by my drinking.
      Thank you, Mr. UT and I are so much more happy now!
      We were fighting so much over my drinking.
      xo

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  20. This is so inspiring! Always appreciate your feedback and support! You go Wendy! ❤️

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  21. I am so confused why stuff is no longer showing up in my reader. I saw this on my actual blog but not in my reader. Weird!
    Anyway...... So much of this offers hope to bothe the newly sober and those a few months in. So many of your negatives were the same for me and thankfully the positives are starting to turn around and appear for me now.
    Hope you and Mr UT have a great year ahead.

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    Replies
    1. Hi Ginger! I read blogs the old fashioned way...I have them saved and then click on each one. Otherwise I never know if I miss something! Takes me two days to read them all! Thank you! There is so much hope. I meet so many people in recovery, that give me great hope!
      xo

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  22. Hello Wendy
    I don't know why but i wanted to say hello and see how you are doing. You know, sometimes you just think of someone and I just was today.
    M x

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    Replies
    1. Thank you so much Michelle!
      I have been still struggling with sleeping and only average about 5 hours a night.
      I sleep from 2 am to 7 am when I have stuff to do.
      I was weepy this morning and maybe you felt my sadness!
      We went for a walk in the sunshine today, and that made me feel much better.
      xo

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  23. Hi Wendy x
    My parents are staying and it's so hard to get near my computer - I love them so much but they fill a lot of space :)
    they leave on Wed which will be sad but they drink a bit and it's a little annoying.
    2 until 7 ay? Yes that would have been daytime here which is when I was thinking about you. I have started to sleep later - after the first month or two going to bed and sleeping 10.30 to 6 ish but now it's closer to 12.30 to 1 am until 7 which is really just not enough dear W. I find us humans really need closer to 7 hours to make us less teary and or irritable. Any less over too many nights it gets too hard to manage.

    But! Beware the panic of "I'm not getting enough sleep - shit - I need to GET TO BE NOW!" That makes me so stress some nights I can't sleep. I too have stuff to do and then I look at the clock and have a panic. So i try to plan a couple of days per week where I time my evenings a bit - to ensure longer hours asleep x

    It's a bit ranty x but maybe helpful and I am definitely thinking of you.
    Michelle xxx

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    Replies
    1. Thank you!
      I am seeing a sleep doctor as this has been a problem for too long.
      I do stress myself out when I want to go to sleep sometimes, as I will panic and say...Oh I can't sleep!
      I got 7 hours last night and feel like a human being today!!
      xoxo

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  24. That's great news.
    Yes I know the feeling well about the panic.
    M xx
    PS that goodness the alcohol 2.30 am'ers are gone xxx

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