Why Did I Stop Drinking

Here I am at 46 months sober!

Dear Readers,
So many people struggle with trying to stop drinking.
I was one of them.
It took me several years to first come to the acceptance I had to stop, and then trying to stop.
This was not easy.
Below is my story. It might be similar to your story.
I am sharing it in hopes it might help someone today. 
I have been sober since September 4, 2014.

I never thought I would grow up and develop a drinking problem.

I was an average Midwest girl who loved riding her bike, hanging out with friends, and reading.

I didn’t start to drink early in life. In fact, I didn’t drink until I was 20.

But when I did drink, it was a lot. I was a binge drinker from the very start.

There were alcoholics in the family, but I didn’t know that at the time.

My mother’s sisters, my father, and my grandfather, all had drinking problems.

I didn’t have an easy life health wise.

I suspect that some of my problems with drinking were a result of not knowing or learning how to cope with these issues.

I developed depression and anxiety.

I graduated with a teaching degree, married, moved, and found a teaching job in Minnesota.

I did not take life easily, and life didn’t make things easy either.

I was very sensitive.

I have a hearing loss and my speech is different because of the loss.

I also have almost no vision in one of my eyes, and it turns inwards.

Children made fun of me, and so did adults, asking, “Where did you come from?”
I wasn't able to have children.

I had no idea how to cope with the painful realities of life.

My drinking increased ever so slowly; with me having no idea it was happening.

I loved a good time, but felt ever so much better and funnier when I drank.

I would always be out for happy hours.

I loved talking to friends over a beer, and later wine.

It wasn’t until I was in my early 50’s that my drinking increased by bottles of wine.

It seemed it happened overnight.

I was staying out later and later at bars.

I did my lesson plans while drinking wine in bars.

Or martinis.

I often drove drunk.

I would drink too much at parties and throw up on the way home.

My husband and I were fighting over how much I was drinking.

I would run away to hotels after these fights.

Still drunk, I would buy more wine there.

Things were deteriorating quickly.

Teaching was getting harder, and I didn’t know how to cope with the demands.

I took life seriously, and when I couldn’t get every child reading on grade level I would get angry with myself.

I really did not like myself much. In fact, I hated my eye, my hearing loss, and my weight.

Drinking was the only way out for me.

I desperately wanted to escape.

School was out for the summer, and I started drinking at noon with friends and drank all day. I passed out at a friend’s house while in the bathroom.

She had to call the paramedics, who showed up with the police.

They knew me, because I worked in that city.

I was humiliated.

My husband had to take me to the hospital because he was unable to control me.

I decided to go into treatment for 30 days.

I went into an outpatient treatment center for four hours a day.

I tried AA.

By the next summer, I was drinking again.

It would take about 4 more years and more humiliation for me to face the fact that this was not working. When I drank I would wake up sweating, with horrible thirst. I would binge eat. I had bowel problems and sometimes couldn't make it to the toilet in time.

I was blacking out and hiding bottles.

I retired from teaching as soon as I could, but felt lost.

Now I could drink all day.

Alone.

The bartenders were my friends.

The liquor store clerks were my friends.

One afternoon I was going to meet a friend for lunch, and later a massage scheduled at my yoga studio. I had an extra hour, so I went to a bar to drink. At lunch, I had more wine. Then I went shopping, and by now I was slurry, and stopped at my favorite bar for more. 
The next thing I remembered is when I showed up at my yoga studio and I had no idea how I had gotten there. I was crying about being drunk and my yoga teachers tried to help me. They called my husband to drive me home. 
Later I learned, after looking at my checkbook, that I had stopped at another bar. I have no memories about this.

I had to stop.

But I knew I needed more help if I was going to be able to so this.

I also know trying to quit by myself would not work for me.
It was too easy to lie to myself.

I reached out to as many people as I could.
I started Belle's 100 Day Sober Challenge.

A yoga teacher connected me to a wonderful AA sponsor.

I went to meetings.

I went to Women For Sobriety meetings.

I started a blog.

I got a life coach and a therapist.

I told all of my family and friends that I was trying to get sober.

I had to keep myself in the light, because I knew there was darkness in my soul that would try to destroy me.

In everything I do, and with everyone I meet, I am open to learning.

I am learning about self-compassion.

I am learning how to take care of myself, and love the parts of me I deem unlovable.

I am learning that yes, life and people can be cruel, but they are also a source of beauty.

I am learning just how strong I am.

I am learning to be ever so thankful for all that I have.

I am learning how to help other people get sober.

My story is a story of love.

It is a story of being human.

Without the love of all the people around me, who never give up, who encourage me, who support me, I wouldn’t be writing this.

With Much Love,
Wendy

You can find me at tipsynomore.blogspot.com