Addiction is tough. It kept me lost, and in denial for many years.
I refused to believe I had a problem. I refused to believe that I couldn't moderate.
I refused to believe my husband who told me I had to stop drinking.
Even after having to go to the hospital after drinking all day, and passing out, I refused to believe I had a problem.
Even after coming home drunk, falling down that stairs, I refused to believe I had a problem.
Even after falling down at a broadway play, I refused to believe I had a problem.
I am not sure why one day I was able to stop, why one day I was sober for another day, or why one day I had hope.
I had hope I could keep going.
I had hope that things would get better, that cravings would stop, that I wouldn't feel so strange at parties, that life would seem less difficult.
I had hope that I could find the pieces I had missing inside of me, that I would find my way back to Wendy, or discover a new part of me.
And these things are happening.
I am finding my way back home.
I am no longer in denial, and I have hope that each day something good will happen.
I have met so many people who are in recovery from both drugs and alcohol, and each one of them teach me something, each one shows me what hope looks like. Their lives all have hope, an expectation that things will be okay. They show me what hope looks like, even when things are overwhelmingly hard.
They take life as they do recovery, one day, one moment at a time.
They teach me that hope and gratitude go hand in hand. They are so grateful for all they have even if they have little, grateful for all the good things that happen in a day.
I have hope now. I had lost that when I was drinking.
There is hope for everyone who is struggling.
I often hear people say, "We can and do recover."
I see that every day. I read blogs that show me this every day.
I close with this quote, from a poet who writes children's poems, one I often read to my students when I was teaching.
Listen to the mustn't, child.
Listen to the don'ts.
Listen to the shouldn't, the impossibles, the won'ts.
Listen to the never haves, then listen close to me...
Anything can happen, child. Anything can be.”
With Hope, Love and Gratitude,
On Day 1,087,