Saturday, February 25, 2017

Depression

Dear Readers,
I am at my favorite coffee shop, where seem to be able to write the best.
My home is too comfortable, and I can distract myself too easily.

I have suffered from depression for many years.
I take anti-depressants, use a happy light, exercise and do all of the things that are supposed to help.

I am also suffering from a lack of sleep, now going on for over 8 months. 
I think this is making my depression come back with a vengance.
I am seeing a sleep psychologist.
He has started me on a strict sleep deprivation cycle which slowly resets your sleep cycle.
I am up to 6 hours of sleep a night.
I was getting 4 to 5 hours of sleep, so I am going in the right direction.
This takes a lot of time, but I am very motivated to make this work.

It's hard for me to read social cues, and combined with my hearing loss, it makes any kind of social situation with more than one person very hard. I misread people, and I don't always understand how groups work, which also leads to depressed feelings and thoughts.

I also get depressed when I am sick, and I have been sick for over 2 weeks.

I am crying as I write this, because I made a fool out of myself at yoga today, due to my depression and inability to read social cues.
But strangely, I also feel better just writing about this.

Writing is healing. I must remember this, and write sooner when I am feeling this way.
I often think I must have a theme or something profound to write, but I fail to remember that by writing about my depression, I might be able to help someone else.

I know that my depressed thoughts are not reality. I think depression is a combination of body and mind not in balance. 
To help myself today, I will go for a walk in the sunshine with hubs.
(We have some today!!)

There are times I just can't seem to control this disease. 
I guess I have to accept that as well.

And so I pray for all of the people who live with depression.
You are not alone.

Much Love,
On Day 905,
Wendy

36 comments:

  1. Dear Wendy,
    Sorry to hear you are not feeling all too well. Nasty illness too :-(. And further I have no words of solice to offer since I'm a bit under the weather myself. Going to take a bath now, realised that for weeks I have not been doing what a woman who loves herself would do. That attitude seems to take revenge on me. :-/
    Sending hugs and love,
    xx, Feeling

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    1. Hi Feeling!
      I am so happy to hear from you!
      I think I will go for my walk now, as that makes me feel better!
      I am sorry you have been feeling a bit down, too.
      xo
      Wendy

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  2. Hi Wendy, I'm sorry to hear you are feeling like this. You are such a kind person and to hear you are feeling down is awful. I really hope you are feeling better again soon. Not getting enough sleep would probably make you feel down. I hope the cold clears up and then you will feel a bit better. I too find social situations awkward and often come away feeling I said or did something foolish.

    Enjoy your walk in the sunshine today. X

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    1. Thank you, PDTG.
      I know sleep is a big issue.
      Xo


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  3. I'm sending you mich love back.
    I can't imagine you did anything at yoga that others haven't. Maybe you will have encouraged someone else to be themselves.
    Depression is such a bitch. And insomnia? That must be hard.
    Keep reminding yourself you are a vital, compassionate person.

    Have you read Pema Chodron? The places that scare you changed my life...and all her books are awesome.
    Perhaps you will hear something that helps you find you inner peace in her writing.
    Big hug. I wish you lived near me! We could be socially awkward together.

    Love, stillness and peace to you
    Anne

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    1. Thank you, Anne.
      I have read some of her teachings. I will look up that book. I might have read it awhile ago.
      The thing about depression is I never know when it will come to visit me.
      I do need sleep, and I am hoping to be up to 7 hours soon, maybe in two weeks.
      I wish we lived closer together too!
      xo

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  4. Sleep is so important to me. If I don't have enough I have horrible anxiety which turns quickly into depression. It kind of creeps up on me and then it's here.
    I said the dumbest thing when picking my son up from Kung Fu yesterday then (when everyone was staring) I spilled my coffee all over the floor. The ground couldn't have opened wide enough quick enough for me to jump in.
    I am learning to accept that I just do sometimes say and do things which others wouldn't. I try hard to gauge it better but it is super hard and I stuff up.
    Lots of love to you Wendy as - in the big picture - it's just not important right ?
    Mxxxxx

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    1. Thank you, Michelle.
      I know I embarrassed myself today, and I still can't talk about it.
      Nothing horrible, just very awkward for the other person.
      I will have to try to be sure I am strong before I go to yoga, because I keep falling apart there.
      xo

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  5. Dear Wendy, I'm so sorry to hear that you are going through this. I am so shit scared of it. When are truly in the hole it's so hard to claw your way out again. Sleep deprivation will make you depressed for sure. I am 100% convinced that that is what exasperated my postnatal depression. I can't think that you did anything that bad at yoga. It’s supposed to be a safe place and if they know about your hearing loss surely they should hold some understanding for you. Also you should be able to fall apart at yoga – that’s your healing and loving place. Maybe your class isn’t intimate enough? Are you at a studio? My teacher teaches from home and I always cry like a baby when we do hip openers! You are one amazing and special lady so don’t even give the awkwardness a second thought. I really hope your depression lifts. Sending you lots of good vibes and hugs. xxx

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    1. Thank you, Hurrah.
      I am hoping for a minor miracle with the sleep, but I know it takes time for this to work.
      What I don't understand is why I get depressed when I get sick, but both hubs and I know this happens every time.
      My yoga studio is wonderful, but it is big.
      I have met some nice people there, but some of those who practice together often have become a tight knit group, which is understandable.
      My hearing is such an issue, as I often can't hear what the teacher says, and I can't hear when two or more people are talking.
      Most days I can deal with this, but when I can't I just seem to break down.
      xo

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  6. Oh Wendy, I'm sorry you're feeling down. I also can't read people and social dynamics well at all and end up feeling awkward a lot.

    I was recently listening to one of my nerdy health podcasts and heard about a product called the human charger. It sounds odd I know and my first thought was, umm so where does that plug in! It looks like an ipod and shines bright light into your ears, there's apparently some highly light sensitive cells in there and it's supposed to work wonders with jet lag and SAD. Just a thought.

    I hope you had a good walk and you're feeling much better now. Hugs x

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    1. Oh, I never heard of that!
      I think so many of us with drinking problems have troubles in social situations.
      It sure helped me more than I realized.
      Thank you, TOTW.
      xo

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  7. Big hugs lovely and hope the cold disappears soon xx

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  8. Depression is one of the hardest things to deal with because unlike so many other ailments there seems to be an element if shame in having it. We deny its coming, we pretend we are ok, we lie to others so they don't feel uncomfortable about it but we also don't want to accept that IT'S BACK. Here we go, once more we must rally the troops to cope with this next assault in the hope that we get back to "normal" soon. I hear ya Wendy, it's especially hard when you do all the right things to prevent it and stay healthy. It is what it is and once more you need to bravely once more do everything you can to stay on top of it. We are true warriors us depression sufferers because we can never just let it go and relax.
    I know you feel embarrassed about yoga but can I challenge you to examine if it was as embarrassing as you fear? Sometime we apply all of our old inner stuff to situations that others don't carry inside them. I'm not saying it wasn't embarrassing for you as I don't know what happened but try and let it go and forgive yourself. It might always be one of those bum fizzy (butt fizzy) moments that when you think back on it your butt cheeks clench tight. Often other people forget seconds after the event yet we beat ourselves up for days, weeks or months about it.
    Big transatlantic hug for you. I hope the black dog goes soon.

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    1. Ok, I have to laugh at the bum fizzy moment.
      And trust me, I have had those in yoga, too!!
      You are so right, I also felt shame.
      I hadn't thought of that until you wrote.
      It's like addiction, people often don't want to hear about it, or unless you suffer from it, don't understand it.
      Thank you, Ginger.
      xo

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  9. Sending you lots of love, Wendy. Wish I could sit with you in your coffee shop! Prim xx

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    1. Me too!
      Thank you, Prim.
      I'd even buy you some tea! I'm learning to like it now!
      xo

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  10. So sorry you're in a bad place right now, Wendy. It is soooo hard, using all the tools we know we have to use, but still just having to wait for that boulder to lift its crushing weight.

    I have gotten better at not 'doing the stupid thing'....but dammit, it still happens. And I just want to crawl out of my body and into a hole when I realize I've done or said something too utterly awful. Please take all the hugs and love here (mine included) and visualize it as a soft and comforting quilt that is wrapping itself around you.

    Your warmth and love and understanding comes thru in every supportive post you offer to others. THIS is what is important and makes you such a terrific person. Hold fast to that. Hope today's sunshine helps, too! Sending strength....

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    1. Thank you, Northwoman.
      I am so thankful for all the comfort I have received from everyone.
      I love that visualization.
      If there ever was a time to do the one day at a time, now is it.
      And even one half day at a time!
      xo

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  11. Wendy, however you think you come off in real life, this isn't you at all when you write. It's hard to put the two together. It makes me hope that your perceived shortcomings in groups is not nearly as noticeable as you think. Your photo alone shows someone that is open and joyous and honest, and THAT is what comes through in your blog. You've had a profoundly loving effect on my life, and on the lives of so many others. I'm positive that flows through your real-life interactions as well.
    I'm so glad that you are loving yourself through this. You're right too -- crying really is a release from toxic thoughts and interactions. It's so cleansing. I cried a lot when sleep-deprived with a non-sleeping baby. I actually got to the point of hallucinating. So it will get better with your improved sleep!
    Hoping you're feeling all this love from your blogging buddies.
    xoxo
    Shawna

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    1. Thank you, Shawna.
      I hide my depression well.
      But for some reason, this is the second time in yoga I have felt that I do not belong.
      I know it's my depressed thinking, but it is very strong and hard for me not to react.
      I do feel all the love, and I thank you so much.
      It really helps me see that I am human, flawed, and loved.
      xo

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  12. Wendy you are not alone either. I very often have trouble reading social cues too. But there are so many other qualities that make a great human being and you have those iin bucket loads. I know from your blog that your are a kind thoughtful human being. You are generous with your time a effort and that really benefits all your readers . You also have a great capacity for joy that is simply infectious. I know things will get better for you. Sending hugs, Flossie x

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    1. Thank you, Flossie.
      It is so good to hear from you.
      You are right.
      My depression is not all of who I am, and neither is my addiction.
      Many people suffer from depression.
      I will get better.
      Much Love.
      xo

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  13. Big hugs, Wendy! This sucks. I have suffered from insomnia on and off my whole life and I can see how it would trigger depression. Hang in there!! You are doing all the right things to take care of yourself and you will get through this.

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    1. Hi Betty! Thank you, I know I will, but I will have to push myself a little.
      I now know why sleep deprivation is used as torture.
      xo

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  14. Oh Wendy, I'm so sorry you've been sick and feeling down. This time of year really does a number on me. Sending you a virtual hug...how I'd love to be having coffee with you, and being socially awkward with you and Anne :) xx

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    1. We could laugh at all the strange moments we have had!
      Thank you, Lori!
      xo

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  15. I am very sorry to hear about your depression and being sick and lack of sleep. I'm glad that you have awareness of a connection between them. Even when I don't know what to do with that, I find awareness still helps. Maybe lets me of the hook or reminds me it will pass. I'm also glad you share and open up here. You're such a sunny spot in the blogosphere so it sucks to see you suffer. I truly hope you feel better soon.

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    1. Thank you, Kristen!
      I know this will pass, and I agree if I can keep the awareness open, then I can try to protect myself.
      I tried to "force" myself to go to yoga, even though I was sick and tired, because I wanted to see my yoga buddies.
      I feel better today, and I know I will be strong again!
      xo

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  16. Oh my sweet friend I so get this. When it gets it's claws into you it is so hard to control. For the last few years mine has been struggling to break free and sometimes it seems all I can do just to keep it manageable.

    Know that you are doing all the right things and that you are never, EVER alone.

    Sherry

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    1. Thank you, Sherry.
      I was surprised at the depth of the emotions and depression that came on, and so quickly.
      I think I was caught off guard.
      I am so grateful to know I am not alone.
      xo

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  17. Bless you Wendy, through all of your posts you show what a courageous women you are - forever getting back up and going forward. I always think I need a theme to write and something truly monumental but you are right - sometimes the admission of struggle helps another. And writing is so carthartic so keep it up. Big hugs. Gael

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    1. Hi Gael!
      I think of you often with the animals, and hope you are well.
      There are many studies that show that writing is very healing. I guess that's why people are asked to journal so much.
      Writing connects me, helps me see things I couldn't see, and is creative!
      xo

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  18. Hugs Wendy!!! I'm sorry about the depression. It totally stinks! I'm happy you are taking positive steps with your sleep. As always, you are an inspiration to me! xo

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  19. Thank you.
    It's always a work in progress!
    xo

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