Tuesday, March 21, 2017

No Longer Hostage

On Our Walk...The Beauty that Fills my Spirit
Dear Readers,
Alcohol was bankrupting me emotionally, spiritually, and physically.
It was holding me hostage, and slowly strangling me.
My goodness was being eroded, my growth stopped.

It was not the solution to the problems I thought it would be.
It did not give me courage, in fact, it made me more fearful.
It did not make me brave, instead it made me a coward.
It did not give me confidence.
It did not make me pretty, nor a better teacher, nor richer.
It did not make me happier in any area of my life.

It did not make me a better wife, sister, daughter, or aunt.
It did not make me think clearer.
It did not make me wiser or stronger.
It did not make me kinder, and instead made me angry and bitter, full of resentments.
It did not make me feel less lonely.

It just stopped me dead in my tracks. 
I could not move forward in anyway until I stopped drinking.
Only since I stopped drinking have I been able to look at myself with less delusions, and with more honesty and clarity.

I believe we are all connected in this life. When I feel different, or feed into my self-pity, I lose that connection. Everyone has times of feeling different, feeling fear and anger.
As soon as I set myself apart from this understanding, or as soon as I see my problems as worse than another person, I suffer.
I suffer because I fail to understand the much bigger picture of life.
We need each other, and we need to forgive ourselves and others.
We need to support each other, because no one can do life alone.
My 91 Year Old Mother, Still Strong and Lovely

Today at my AA meeting, I had an intense feeling of being connected to my fellow humans who struggle with the same things I do. I saw more in common than I did differences.
All ages, races, genders have the same human struggles.

Today, I am living and loving my life sober.
More often, I am able to forgive myself for my mistakes, and let go of my perceived mistakes.
I am learning that there is no perfection, not for myself, not for other people.
Now, I am able to give freely of myself, not only to other people, but also to myself.

With Joy and Love,
On Day 929,
Wendy

PS - We just went to Boise, Idaho, to visit my mom, who lives with my brother and sister-in-law. This visit filled me with so much love.



31 comments:

  1. Beautiful post UT! It really made me think. Thank you. Lovely picture of you and your mom! She sure doesn't look 91 years old! You swim in a great gene pool!!! xo

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    1. Thank you, Sober at 53!
      She still played her violin up to a few months ago!
      xo

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  2. Beautiful and heart-warming, Wendy, especially with the photo. I wish you many more decades of love.
    (By the way, my license plate says "DELUSNAL." And I was, believe me.)
    xoxo!

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    1. Yes, it is so easy to delude ourselves, that's for sure!
      Thank you!
      xo

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  3. Hi Wendy
    This is so beautiful, thank you for sharing it. Love the pics!

    Marahu from Real Life

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    1. Yay!
      You figured it out!!
      Thank you so much!
      xo

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  4. "We need each other, and we need to forgive ourselves and others. We need to support each other, because no one can do life alone." Thanks, Wendy, I needed to hear this today... So glad you got to connect with your bro, SIL, and mom!

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    1. I hope your day goes well, Adrian.
      Though my visit was short, it was super sweet.
      xo

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  5. Lovely. When we have compassion for others we have to have compassion for ourselves as well. And that makes the world a better place.
    Thank you for sharing your thoughts.
    Your mom is so cute!

    Anne

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    1. Thank you, Anne!
      I struggle with self-compassion a little, but have way more than I did while I was drinking!
      xo

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  6. I love this - yes! Connections. That is where it is - for me, it's connection to Creator, to myself, to others. It's my own personal interpretation of the triangle / circle. When I feel weak in one area, I suffer in the others. Being an introvert, connecting with others face-to-face is a tough one, but one thing I learned early in my recovery and going to meetings was that I NEEDED others and that hurt my ego. I was used to doing things on my own. But as they say, my best thinking got me where again? lol

    Anyway, this is a beautiful post, and I love the picture of you and your mother - she certainly doesn't look 91! A picture of health!

    Thank you and blessings

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    1. My best thinking got me nowhere, true that!
      I am an extroverted introvert, I think.
      I love my alone time, but if I get too much, I feel sad.
      My favorite people time is one to one, so we can really talk.
      (Of course, I can hear better, too.)

      My mom is mentally super sharp, too!
      Hugs and Thank you!
      xo

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  7. Thank you for the post. It helped me collect another sober day.

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    1. That's all we have, today.
      I am glad you are collecting days!!
      xo

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  8. That is a very cute photo!
    I am struggling a little at the moment with trying to be kinder on myself. I know I don't cut myself much slack and wish so much I was a better person.
    I have a diary of doing one act of kindness each day to help others and still I feel a bit like I am swimming in quicksand.

    It is good to read your post and see your strength Wendy :)
    Michelle xxx

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    1. It's so good to hear from you, Michelle.
      I am sorry you are struggling.
      There are days I wish I was someone different, too.
      Can you just hold your hand over your heart and say, "I love and accept myself"...
      You are a kind person.
      I have never seen you write a "mean" comment to anyone!
      We are so hard on ourselves.
      Try to breathe into your heart, love and accept all of yourself.
      xoxo
      Wendy

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  9. Thank you for a lovely post.

    Alcohol only takes and steals, it's never fulfilled any of the promises the marketing companies make. The only things it has deleivered time and time again are depression, loneliness and confusion.

    Your mom is so cute Wendy! xxxx

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    1. Absolutely true, Hurrah!
      Thank you!
      My mom is pretty cute!
      xo

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  10. Great photo of you and your Mum! That is so true about not being able to move forward in your life until you stopped drinking. I feel like that, like I have just been floating along, wasting time, doing nothing much. You have definitely moved forward now and changed your life, and look at how good it is.

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    1. It took me a lot of time, and lots of self reflection.
      You will grow, but give yourself the gift of time!
      I had to kearn to be happy with little things in life.
      There might be some times of big things, but mostly little things.
      xo

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  11. I enjoyed reading this, so much wisdom and clarity. I'm glad you had a good family visit, your mum looks much younger than 91! Hugs x

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    1. Thank you, TOTW!
      She is amazing!
      I love tree bathing! We are lucky here in Minneapolis to have lovely parks with trees and water.
      xo

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  12. Two lovely ladies 😃. Hooray for sober life! XX

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  13. Loved this and your mom is adorable!

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  14. Oh Wendy I love this post!
    I believe that we are all connected in this life too <3
    Your mom is adorable and I bet that she was so, so happy to have you there for a visit! Look at your beautiful happy smile - that makes me happy too :)

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    1. Thank you, Donna!
      She is coming to visit at the end of May!
      xo

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