Obstacles
Dear Readers,
I just am so thankful for this on-line healing community.
Thank you for your support. I know if I post something here, I have a world of people holding my hand.
I truly love all of you for sharing your strength with me.
My depression has lifted, and although I am still sick, I feel un-stuck and ready to go!
I am so thankful for my hubs, who loves and cares for me in a way I can't even describe.
We met in 11th grade of high school, and dated steady until we got married.
That's a long time of loving.
I thought of this topic for awhile, and wondered what held me back from getting help for myself sooner.
Of course, my biggest obstacle was denial.
I wasn't that bad. I felt it would be horrible to be labeled an alcoholic. To be honest, I think some of that came from watching my dad's alcoholic behavior, which was not pretty.
Another huge roadblock for me was the fun/social aspect of drinking.
I felt that I was funnier, had more fun, and was invited to more places drinking.
That is something I did not want to stop.
When I was teaching, Friday nights were big drinking nights. I would have too many, sometimes starting at happy hour, and then lying to hubs and having a lot more at home.
Why? I needed it to relax. I deserved it. How else would I de-stress from the week?
This too held me back.
When I dug down deep, I thought of another obstacle...my ego.
I really felt superior to non-drinkers. I thought they were religious nuts or were boring.
This was hard for me to admit.
I think some of my drinking was a rebellion of sorts. Like a teenager, I said you can't make me do anything. I'll drink if I want to. I refused to see reality.
At my AA meeting the other day, a woman said:
I just am so thankful for this on-line healing community.
Thank you for your support. I know if I post something here, I have a world of people holding my hand.
I truly love all of you for sharing your strength with me.
My depression has lifted, and although I am still sick, I feel un-stuck and ready to go!
I am so thankful for my hubs, who loves and cares for me in a way I can't even describe.
We met in 11th grade of high school, and dated steady until we got married.
That's a long time of loving.
I thought of this topic for awhile, and wondered what held me back from getting help for myself sooner.
Of course, my biggest obstacle was denial.
I wasn't that bad. I felt it would be horrible to be labeled an alcoholic. To be honest, I think some of that came from watching my dad's alcoholic behavior, which was not pretty.
Another huge roadblock for me was the fun/social aspect of drinking.
I felt that I was funnier, had more fun, and was invited to more places drinking.
That is something I did not want to stop.
When I was teaching, Friday nights were big drinking nights. I would have too many, sometimes starting at happy hour, and then lying to hubs and having a lot more at home.
Why? I needed it to relax. I deserved it. How else would I de-stress from the week?
This too held me back.
When I dug down deep, I thought of another obstacle...my ego.
I really felt superior to non-drinkers. I thought they were religious nuts or were boring.
This was hard for me to admit.
I think some of my drinking was a rebellion of sorts. Like a teenager, I said you can't make me do anything. I'll drink if I want to. I refused to see reality.
At my AA meeting the other day, a woman said:
What happens when you drink?
How is that working for you?
Yikes. That really cut to the core. It certainly didn't work well for me!
I learned, and continue to learn from the word "willingness".
I was finally willing to see past the obstacles, and face the truth.
With GIANT hug,
On Day 911,
Dear Wendy,
ReplyDeleteGood to hear that your depression has lifted. And yes! to the miracles of the online sober community. :-)
Denial, it's a big thing. Even now shame keeps me from admitting things I do not want to know about me. Like Paul from Message in a bottle wrote about today. Shame, addiction, denial, all branches of the same tree.
Wishing you a good weekend. Received your GIANT hug very well here, sending one back. :-)
xx, Feeling
Thank you, Feeling!
DeleteI will read his post!
I can't wait till winter is over here, so I can ride my bike again!!
xo
Yay! Good weather is welcome here too. I ride to work 7 kilometer and 7 back every day now. Sometimes there is a lot of wind and the rain gushing in my face. And then I see the cars passing by and this reminds me every day that in a lot of things I have to start all over again. Which is good. I am happy I quit and have given myself a second chance at life. And I sure AM awake when I arrive. :-)
Deletexx, Feeling
Depression is the oddest disease. When one is (for the most part) on top of it as I believe you are :) (I think this because you clearly distinguish between feeling good some days and feeling bad). I have seen others who are in the state of depression each day and one rolls on through to the other (my sister was like that).
ReplyDeleteAnyway when you are largely on top of it and get hit with a bout of depression, my brain thinks "I will be like this forever" it is the nastiest trick in the world. When we are happy why don't we think "I will be like this forever".
Isn't this an interesting question :)
Michelle sending hugs xxxxx
Thank you, Michelle.
DeleteAlso when I am sick...I think it will last forever.
xo
Hey Wendy, glad to hear your depression has lifted and I hope you feel better soon!
ReplyDeleteI also looked down on non-drinkers and people who drank moderately. I thought they were holier than thou boring idiots. I cringe at that, but it's the truth! Amazing, how bewildering and insidious the web of lies is that addiction spins in the brain.
xxxx
Anything to make us deny we have a problem.
DeleteThank you.
xo
We all need to get out of our own way sometimes Wendy! xx
ReplyDeleteThat's for sure!
Deletexo
I'm sorry you haven't been feeling great, but glad you're beginning to feel a bit better. Depression is such a horrible and often unpredictable thing. Hopefully Spring is round the corner. x
ReplyDeleteI'm so glad you are feeling better. Yes denial is a huge reason for me too. Especially as to why its taken me so long to be 100% dedicated to this. It's funny you are on day 911 and I'm on day 119. Alcohol wasn't working for us and we have changed that, I don't really think it works for anyone. Now we are free to find out what really does work.
ReplyDeleteHappy Day 119!
DeleteWe are!
xo
Denial sure is a big one, I agree. But I understand what you said after - the whole idea that booze made us "better". I could talk to people more, I felt taller, I was more inviting and fuzzy and could really relate to people. But when the potion wore off, I was still stuck with me. And I didn't like me.
ReplyDeleteI have found that in recovery, sometimes we can get caught up in a moment of romanticising the drinking days, and that's the ego and illness trying to minimize the damage, and we all know that that's not the way to go. I usually shake those thoughts, but you know, I can still look back at some times (and not the booze per se) and say "yeah, I had fun then" but keep it at a distance.
Glad you're feeling better!
Blessings
Paul
Thank you, Paul!
DeleteWe are getting some R and R time in. We are having fun in San Antonio, doing lots of eating and walking!
xo
Wendy-The doldrums are real. And I'm so glad you found your way out of them. Like you, I rely so heavily on this community. Filled with awesome and supportive people. Like-minded people. We found our trial, no doubt!
ReplyDeleteAnd the Friday night thing! I'm with you 💯! I'm now eager to go to bed because my weeks have been so busy and satisfying.
Thank you, Mark!
DeleteI am glad I found my way out, too!
I am happy my Friday nights are good now, too!
It's a bunch better!
xo
Wendy
I hope that you have been able to get out for some bike rides since you wrote this post! I'm sorry that I missed some of your posts, I'm not sure how I did that, especially since I love your blog! One of the things that stopped me from getting help/ trying to quit drinking was definitely the social aspect of it! I am actually really shy and self conscious and I felt that drinking loosened me up and let me have fun. Learning to socialize without booze has really been a learning curve for me, but so worth it.
ReplyDeleteFor me, too Donna!
DeleteI have/had to learn to relax in social situations, and not try so hard to be funny or something..lol.
xo