Where My Fears Lie
Dear Readers,
I am not afraid of death.
However, it is my fear that I or Mr. UT will die alone, or in terrible pain.
It is my fear that Mr. UT will be so lonely if I die first, and will not be able to cope.
It is my fear that I will be unable to cope if he dies first.
It is my fear that I will start drinking again.
We are getting older now. If I look at how long people live, we have about an average of 12 to 20 years left to live. We were unable to have children, and so we can't depend on a child to help us.
We have prepared for retirement, saving money, keeping our house in good condition, and so on. He is helping me learn how to pay all the bills, as I have depended on him to do that all these years.
We have talked about where we want our ashes to be put, and have our will up to date. Hubs is so sweet, he even made a folder for me on the computer of step by step things to do if he dies first.
This is the time that I will need to use all that I have learned in recovery to help keep getting old in perspective.
I will need to remember what I can control and what I can't.
I will need to remember that I can't carry the heavy load of what I can't control, like health problems.
I will need to remember that I can face problems one day at a time.
I will need to ask for support from as many people I as need.
Back in 2005, I wrote a song for Mr. UT when I was in a bit of a morbid phase I guess. I wish I could sing it for you, but here are the words:
Only Then By Wendy
Lay your head upon my pillow,
Let me breathe your dark dreams away,
Go to sleep in silent softness,
Let the day slowly fade.
Let your mind be peaceful darling,
Then the nightmares quickly escape,
When my lips sweetly kiss you,
You will know I'm here to stay.
Only then will I lay down,
Only then will I close my eyes,
Only when there is stillness,
Only then will I let you go.
When I hear your quiet slumber,
And I see no fear on your face,
I will know the angels protect you,
You will drift to a better place.
I would take away all your pain,
If I could, if I could,
I would sing you this lullaby,
All night long, all night long.
Only then will I lay down,
Only then will I close my eyes,
Only when there is stillness,
Only then will I let you go.
We have prepared for the future as best as we can.
All I can do is to live today well, bringing joy into our daily lives.
I kiss Mr. UT every day he comes home, (as I am asleep when he leaves), we laugh and play together, and we plan adventures!
I try to thank him for everything he does for me, and tell him I love him everyday.
With Peace,
On Day 1294,
Wendy
 |
| Here we are in 12th grade of high school. |
However, it is my fear that I or Mr. UT will die alone, or in terrible pain.
It is my fear that Mr. UT will be so lonely if I die first, and will not be able to cope.
It is my fear that I will be unable to cope if he dies first.
It is my fear that I will start drinking again.
We are getting older now. If I look at how long people live, we have about an average of 12 to 20 years left to live. We were unable to have children, and so we can't depend on a child to help us.
We have prepared for retirement, saving money, keeping our house in good condition, and so on. He is helping me learn how to pay all the bills, as I have depended on him to do that all these years.
We have talked about where we want our ashes to be put, and have our will up to date. Hubs is so sweet, he even made a folder for me on the computer of step by step things to do if he dies first.
This is the time that I will need to use all that I have learned in recovery to help keep getting old in perspective.
I will need to remember what I can control and what I can't.
I will need to remember that I can't carry the heavy load of what I can't control, like health problems.
I will need to remember that I can face problems one day at a time.
I will need to ask for support from as many people I as need.
Back in 2005, I wrote a song for Mr. UT when I was in a bit of a morbid phase I guess. I wish I could sing it for you, but here are the words:
 |
| Here we are on a date night! |
Lay your head upon my pillow,
Let me breathe your dark dreams away,
Go to sleep in silent softness,
Let the day slowly fade.
Let your mind be peaceful darling,
Then the nightmares quickly escape,
When my lips sweetly kiss you,
You will know I'm here to stay.
Only then will I lay down,
Only then will I close my eyes,
Only when there is stillness,
Only then will I let you go.
When I hear your quiet slumber,
And I see no fear on your face,
I will know the angels protect you,
You will drift to a better place.
I would take away all your pain,
If I could, if I could,
I would sing you this lullaby,
All night long, all night long.
Only then will I lay down,
Only then will I close my eyes,
Only when there is stillness,
Only then will I let you go.
We have prepared for the future as best as we can.
All I can do is to live today well, bringing joy into our daily lives.
I kiss Mr. UT every day he comes home, (as I am asleep when he leaves), we laugh and play together, and we plan adventures!
I try to thank him for everything he does for me, and tell him I love him everyday.
With Peace,
On Day 1294,
Wendy
I think this is so beautiful, and I am so proud that you are keep the tools that you've picked up in recovery close at hand. In particular, "I will need to remember what I can control and what I can't." This is something I have to constantly work on and it is so important. I share many of your fears, my husband and I don't have children and I don't have much in the way of family other than his, so I've found myself afraid of what I'll do when I grow old and anything should ever happen to him. We haven't been the best at planning for retirement up until recently, we are finally trying to get things in order, but those worries do creep up me. I think it must be natural for us to experience these fears, but what's the most beautiful is how you are embracing life and each moment together. You are obviously very much in love and living for each other as fully as possible. Don't ever stop doing that - you are inspiring to not only each other, but to all of us out here as well. - Anne
ReplyDeleteThank you for your lovely words, Anne! It is strange getting older and seeing how little time is left! So, it's best not to look ahead, and at the same time, plan for living this day with fun and love! xo
DeleteI cried early-morning tears when I read this, Wendy. Although it isn't something pleasant to think about, you both will be comforted by the fact that you shared a beautiful life together. A lovely couple, then and now! xx
ReplyDeleteThank you, Lori. Now I realize how everyone says life is short!!
DeleteBeautiful words, Wendy. You both are such an incredible example of what marriage can be.
ReplyDeleteElizabeth (WTW) <3
That you, Elizabeth!! xoxo
DeleteI love your song. It is deeply beautiful.
ReplyDeleteEnjoy today. No matter how old or young we are, it is truly all we are guaranteed. Right now.
You sound some responsible. I feel like I need to get my affairs in order...
As an aside, my 95 year old grandma still lives alone in her own house....70 years ago she had TB and had to live in a sanatorium and eventually had a lung removed.
She thought life was over then. And there was so much more!
Love to you
Anne
Thank you, Anne. That is so awesome about your grandma! Prepare for the worst, and hope for the best, is a good motto for getting old, I think!
Deletexo
Beautiful words to your song. You write so well. I love the high school picture! Your smile is beautiful.
ReplyDeleteI agree with Anne, in that, we only have today guaranteed, but your fears are so valid. My husband has shared the same fear, if I go before him, what will he do. He'll survive, he really will.
I think you will be blessed, to find your fears will be lessened as time goes by, because you are addressing the fear. Thank you for sharing a very real concern for us all.
Hi Lia, Hubs was shaking his head when I posted this, but I told him, this is a human fear.
DeleteI know some of my friends lost their husbands early, and they did learn to cope. Not easy, but they kept going. xo
Ooh Wendy, what a beautiful song. I am happy for you that you have found a love so deep. You look like a wonderful couple on every picture. :-) I find it very impressive that you and Mr. Tipsy have alreadys sorted out your affairs. Hats off. Most people (like I) stick their heads in the sand.
ReplyDeleteI have no comforting words for you, mainly because yes, we die. but not now. Now we type and read and sing a song. <3
This Snoopy cartoon gives me hope when I get sad about dying. https://9gag.com/gag/ayL6ORr/one-day-we-will-die
xx, Feeling
LOL! Yes, we type, read and sing and song. I love this, Feeling! Thank you so much!
Deletexo
Oh Wendy, I feel this!! I look at my husband and pray for 50 more years with him! Life is so fleeting and precious and heartbreaking...when we finally have it "together", the awareness of the temporary nature feels more heavy, I think. Beautiful post. Sending love your way. Hug your honey so tight tonight. I will, too.
ReplyDeleteThank you, Maggie! I will! xo
DeleteBeautiful, Wendy! You and Mr UT have such wonderful, sweet adventures together. As Anne said above, all we are guaranteed is right now, this moment. I LOVE that you two make the most out of your moments <3
ReplyDeleteHi Donna! So glad to hear from you. I hope you are well! I think being playful with your loved one is so important! xo
DeleteHi Wendy, love the song. Such beautiful words and sentiment.
ReplyDeleteBeing in the moment, in the now is a beautiful gift to give ourselves and to others.
kiss good morning and kiss goodnight.
love Gael
Thank you, Gael! I hope all your animals are well! xo
DeleteThank you, Cassie! I hope all is well! I hope you get spring, soon! I miss you and love you, too!
ReplyDeletexo
One of your gifts - the ability to touch a chord that resonates with each of us, and communicate. I have more friends who are widowed than are not (and I have been alone a little over 4 years). It's hard. Harrowing. But. You do it. And get through. And life can still be good. Just different. Good on you (and Mr. UT) for recognizing the impermanence of life and importance of love. Knowing you are each doing the best for the other, giving your best to the other.....is as much as you can do. Then, sally forth and enjoy!!
ReplyDeleteThank you so much! I know my mom and several of my former coworkers have lost their husbands. And you are so right. They did make it, but it was so very hard, and life is different for them. xo
DeleteReally enjoying your poetry, Wendy. Please keep posting. I've been meaning to publish more poetry myself, but life keeps happening and I write about that instead. It's good to have reminders of our own mortality. It helps me shrink my ego down to its rightful size.
ReplyDeleteHi Mark! Thank you for encouraging me in poetry! I’m finding that seeing my ending in sight is making me feel free in a strange way! More light hearted, even with my fears! Definitely more loving! xo
DeleteI'll try not to make this all about me like I have a tendency to do but.... I too have suddenly slammed up against my mortality recently. I'm not yet 50 but all of a sudden I have realised I am ageing and due to poor life decisions my health is far from where it should be.
ReplyDeleteI admire you and Mr UT because it sound like you guys are having the conversations others wish they would have had before a loved one dies. The worry about death hits us all at some stage but it sounds like you have it at a manageable level and as with many things you open up to share it with your posse and several people have made some very good comments.
Here's to many years ahead for both of you.
I wish I could hear the song or the tune, I reads very well. Has a bit of an Ed Sheeran feel to it.
Thank you, Ginger! It's a strange feeling to see the years ahead as NOT endless. Yet, in a way, it's freeing! I have the song recored, but it's on a cassette tape. Not sure how I can get that on the computer!
Deletexo