Whispers of Love

Dear Readers,
A Tree I Found on a Walk

I used have so many problems with binge eating, especially when I was younger. I went to OA for a while. I also consulted a doctor who was a compulsive eating specialist. He wanted me to check into his program in the hospital and stay. I remember I was so angry that he made such a snap judgement after only knowing me a few minutes, and I did not go back.

My weight has been up and down my whole life. In college, I gained a lot of weight due to developing hyper-thyroidism, which usually causes weight loss because your thyroid is over acting. In my case, I couldn't sleep and compulsively ate chocolate all night.  

I had an operation, to remove the thyroid, and then lost some weight. Hormones, my monthly period, and diets, all had me gaining and losing over the years.

I had so much hate for myself when I gained weight. I used to hit myself when I thought I was too heavy. I could not accept that I was fat. I felt ugly. 

Two years ago, I developed terrible insomnia, and found myself night eating, or I should say, night binging.
Trees are Beautiful! 
I would be awake almost all night, and eat bags of chips, ice cream, cheese, peanuts, anything and everything. I was so tired, I had no resources to say stop.

I went to a sleep psychologist  who helped me immensely, and my sleep, although not prefect, is much better.
However; I am still finding myself night binging when I can't sleep. So I have been gaining weight.

But there is a difference.
Recovery has helped me love myself, in a healthy way. So although I am not happy with my night eating, I no longer have that intense hate for myself.
When I was drinking, and over eating, over working, I did not know how to care for myself. Now, I am learning. 

On Twitter, I read a beautiful piece about self-love, written by Julie Rybarczyk. She expresses what I have learned, but couldn't write as beautifully as she did.

"I started paying attention to how I talk to the people I love, like my friends and my kids. When the healthy, loving people in my life talked to me, I began to listen more closely. I heard kindness and compassion in those voices. I noticed grace for mistakes and a genuine sense of care. And I started trying, as much as possible, to emulate those voices when talking to myself."
The Root of the Same Tree
You can Julie's article here: How I Learned To Love Myself
Hating myself never got me healthy. 
Only with whispers of forgiveness for being human, have I been able to continue to heal.
Only with whispers of hugs, have I learned to hold myself as I would a child.
Only with whispers of love, have I been able to look for answers to my problems.
Only with whispers of kindness.

I am learning what my body needs to eat to be happy and healthy.  I am learning because I care for it now.

With Whispers of Joy,
On Day 1312,
Wendy


Comments

  1. Whispers of kindness. Beautiful. You write beautifully but it is more than that. Your honesty. Your words touch me and resonate. And your strength. You amaze me with your strength. Thank you so much for sharing. Your honesty influences mme to work on my honesty.

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    1. Thank you so much, Kris! ❤️❤️❤️

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  2. Oh, Wendy - this is beautiful, and I'm honored to be any small part of it. Thank you for sharing your brave, vulnerable words. You are an inspiration.

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    1. I thank you, for expressing what I am learning! I hope to read more of your writing! 🤗❤️🙏

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  3. So beautifully expressed, wendy...as always!

    My issue of late is being fed up with being so fatigued, stiff, sore, unmotivated. Just a bit ago this evening, i thought - Enough! Stop. Do something to fix this!

    So......the hope (that frail little thing) is to absolutely rein myself in....try to start doing some stretches and gentle yoga poses. I lack motivation and discipline, so cross your fingers for me. And good luck to you! ( In none of your beautiful pics do you ever look like someone with an eating disorder😇)

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    1. Oh, I too have that problem. I understand that completely. I am learning to just move. A walk, yoga, even going on my treadmill helps me feel better. I tell myself I will never regret moving, but I will regret not moving!
      It is easy to hide my eating problems. Although not as shameful as my drinking, it still is hard to admit! 🧘🏻‍♀️💪❤️

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  4. Wow Wendy, like you I struggle with food issues. I was born overweight, and that has continued throughout my life. I have lost and gained weight more times than I can count. I had resigned myself to believing this is the way it's "supposed to be" for me, only recently I've realized I can change that way of thinking. I could go on and on about this subject! Self-love and Self-care is a long process to learn, a lifestyle change we must embrace, we are so worth it! xx

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    1. It really is the only way I can change. All the meanness in the world did not help. Big Hugs!
      xo

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    1. You are so honest and open. We all have different issues, besides having the alcohol one in common. It's taking time, but I am learning to forgive myself for all the various things I've done to myself and others in a negative/bad/mean/harmful, etc. way. I'll never be perfect, and that's okay, but I can be good enough. That's all I really want. Thank you for sharing!

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    2. Thank you, Lia! It’s sometimes an hourly thing..forgiving myself.
      xo

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  6. Thank you, as always, for your honesty Wednesday. You shed a light where others see only darkness.

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    1. Hi Mark! Thank you! I hope you are well, and writing! ❤️🤗

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  7. Your last sentence really resonates with me Wendy. Since quitting the booze (and stopping smoking), my appetite has increased rather a lot and I have put on A LOT of weight. Granted, some of it was desperately needed - the other 3 stone? Not so much. Having said that, my body and mind are still recovering from the years of alcohol abuse and I have taught myself that, for the time being, my weight issues are not to be worried about too much.

    So what if I can't breathe when I'm putting on a pair of socks? Big deal.... (pardon the pun).

    "I am learning what my body needs to eat to be happy and healthy. I am learning because I care for it now." What a great quote! xx

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    1. Hi Mrs. W! I had a rough day over eating lots of ice cream and candy yesterday, but I realize I was super tired. So that’s when I have to remover that when I am tired, maybe I could take a short nap. Big Hugs!
      xo

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