Whispers of Love

Dear Readers,

A Tree I Found on a Walk

I used have so many problems with binge eating, especially when I was younger. I went to OA for a while. I also consulted a doctor who was a compulsive eating specialist. He wanted me to check into his program in the hospital and stay. I remember I was so angry that he made such a snap judgement after only knowing me a few minutes, and I did not go back.

My weight has been up and down my whole life. In college, I gained a lot of weight due to developing hyper-thyroidism, which usually causes weight loss because your thyroid is over acting. In my case, I couldn't sleep and compulsively ate chocolate all night.  

I had an operation, to remove the thyroid, and then lost some weight. Hormones, my monthly period, and diets, all had me gaining and losing over the years.

I had so much hate for myself when I gained weight. I used to hit myself when I thought I was too heavy. I could not accept that I was fat. I felt ugly. 

Two years ago, I developed terrible insomnia, and found myself night eating, or I should say, night binging.

Trees are Beautiful! 

I would be awake almost all night, and eat bags of chips, ice cream, cheese, peanuts, anything and everything. I was so tired, I had no resources to say stop.

I went to a sleep psychologist  who helped me immensely, and my sleep, although not prefect, is much better.
However; I am still finding myself night binging when I can't sleep. So I have been gaining weight.

But there is a difference.
Recovery has helped me love myself, in a healthy way. So although I am not happy with my night eating, I no longer have that intense hate for myself.
When I was drinking, and over eating, over working, I did not know how to care for myself. Now, I am learning. 

On Twitter, I read a beautiful piece about self-love, written by Julie Rybarczyk. She expresses what I have learned, but couldn't write as beautifully as she did.

"I started paying attention to how I talk to the people I love, like my friends and my kids. When the healthy, loving people in my life talked to me, I began to listen more closely. I heard kindness and compassion in those voices. I noticed grace for mistakes and a genuine sense of care. And I started trying, as much as possible, to emulate those voices when talking to myself."

The Root of the Same Tree

You can Julie's article here: How I Learned To Love Myself

Hating myself never got me healthy. 

Only with whispers of forgiveness for being human, have I been able to continue to heal.

Only with whispers of hugs, have I learned to hold myself as I would a child.

Only with whispers of love, have I been able to look for answers to my problems.

Only with whispers of kindness.

I am learning what my body needs to eat to be happy and healthy.  I am learning because I care for it now.

With Whispers of Joy,

On Day 1312,
Wendy