This post is a little harder to write, and it might be harder for my family and friends to read.
It deals with a part of me that I do not open up about, except to my Loved One.
Last Wednesday, I read most of the day. I curled up with my book and read all day. Then when my Loved One came home, we went for a lovely walk together.
Sounds very nice except, I was very angry at myself for reading so much.
I had planned on going to yoga, and writing a blog post.
But I was tired. My body wasn't up to the demand of a hard yoga class.
I was angry I didn't push myself to go, that I gave in so easily.
I was angry I would miss out on something.
I was so angry that I wanted to stab myself.
That anger was intense. It scared me a little.
This is not the first time I have felt such intense anger at myself.
In my past, I used to yell at myself for being too heavy.
I used to hit myself.
It was very painful.
My therapist wants me to look at that anger, and so in this post I am starting that process.
I get angry anytime I don't live up to my expectations.
My rules for myself are way too many. They are unwritten, and I don't even know them all. They seem to be hidden away someplace.
Here are a few of them that I can "see".
- I should be a perfect teacher. (When I was teaching.)
- I should always look nice.
- I should go to yoga every other day, no matter what.
- I should be walking more.
- I should be thin.
- I should have stylish clothes.
- I should be nice.
- I should be doing something more in my retirement.
- I should have more hobbies.
- I should keep my house cleaner.
- I should keep learning new things.
- I should get better at learning new things.
- I shouldn't be sitting around reading all day.
Now, my anger didn't help me get to yoga or do my blog.
All it did was make me angry at myself.
I believe some of this anger is based in shame and perfectionism, starting in childhood. With my speech, hearing, turned eye, I always felt different.
I had a hyper-thyroid condition that went undiagnosed for awhile. I gained 40 pounds, had to drop out of college for awhile, had to drop playing in the orchestra, and it caused severe mental anguish.
I believe my drinking was tied into this anger. I just could not live up to being a perfect teacher. I could not live up to all my rules, and so I tried to escape.
I am not sure where to go with this, but I do know that just taking with my therapist helped me see how hard I am on myself. I know that self-compassion has to be a focus.
I can say, that being sober is leading me on the path of being happy and healthy. I have to examine these painful things in order to keep growing. Hiding them away in the basement of my mind is the worse thing I can do.
I will shine the light down the stairs and things won't be so scary anymore.
Hugs and Love From Wendy