Tuesday, April 21, 2015

Anger at Self

Dear Readers,
This post is a little harder to write, and it might be harder for my family and friends to read.
It deals with a part of me that I do not open up about, except to my Loved One.

Last Wednesday, I read most of the day. I curled up with my book and read all day. Then when my Loved One came home, we went for a lovely walk together.
Sounds very nice except, I was very angry at myself for reading so much.

I had planned on going to yoga, and writing a blog post.
But I was tired. My body wasn't up to the demand of a hard yoga class.
I was angry I didn't push myself to go, that I gave in so easily.
I was angry I would miss out on something.
I was so angry that I wanted to stab myself.

That anger was intense. It scared me a little.

This is not the first time I have felt such intense anger at myself.
In my past, I used to yell at myself for being too heavy. 
I used to hit myself.
It was very painful.

My therapist wants me to look at that anger, and so in this post I am starting that process.
I get angry anytime I don't live up to my expectations.
My rules for myself are way too many. They are unwritten, and I don't even know them all. They seem to be hidden away someplace.
Here are a few of them that I can "see".
- I should be a perfect teacher. (When I was teaching.)
- I should always look nice.
- I should go to yoga every other day, no matter what.
- I should be walking more.
- I should be thin.
- I should have stylish clothes.
- I should be nice.
- I should be doing something more in my retirement.
- I should have more hobbies.
- I should keep my house cleaner.
- I should keep learning new things.
- I should get better at learning new things.
- I shouldn't be sitting around reading all day.

Now, my anger didn't help me get to yoga or do my blog.
All it did was make me angry at myself. 
I believe some of this anger is based in shame and perfectionism, starting in childhood. With my speech, hearing, turned eye, I always felt different. 

I had a hyper-thyroid condition that went undiagnosed for awhile. I gained 40 pounds, had to drop out of college for awhile, had to drop playing in the orchestra, and it caused severe mental anguish. 

I believe my drinking was tied into this anger. I just could not live up to being a perfect teacher. I could not live up to all my rules, and so I tried to escape. 

I am not sure where to go with this, but I do know that just taking with my therapist helped me see how hard I am on myself. I know that self-compassion has to be a focus. 

I can say, that being sober is leading me on the path of being happy and healthy. I have to examine these painful things in order to keep growing. Hiding them away in the basement of my mind is the worse thing I can do.

I will shine the light down the stairs and things won't be so scary anymore.

Hugs and Love From Wendy
Day 229

12 comments:

  1. Hi Wendy,
    I'm sorry to hear you are so angry with yourself. It's good you are talking to your therapist about it. You need to be kinder to yourself. you have given up booze and that's one of the hardest things you'll ever do.
    Why are women so hard on themselves? We really need to start practicing self care/love. I don't have the anger you describe but I lack self love and have zero confidence. It can be hard. And alcohol makes it all worse.
    I hope you get past the anger and see yourself as the wonderful woman you are.
    A x

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    Replies
    1. Dear Angie,
      I think women are so hard on themselves! I don't know why. I think the media plays into the body insecurities.
      xo

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  2. Oh, I hear you on the rules for self. No one could ever pull that act off, right? Good for you, writing and talking your way through it. Sending you a big hug. xo

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  3. Dear Thirsty,
    I can see how hard it is when I write it down.
    No one could live up to those, and these a just a few of them!
    Thank you for encouraging words!
    XO

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  4. day 229. wow!!! give yourself a big HUG!!!!!!
    its hard isnt it, feeling like we are not good enough. thats why i am a 'machine' as people seem to call me. its all based in Not Good Enough.
    Wendy, you are fabulous. Self Compassion takes daily practice, physically touching yourself and talking kindly to yourself. You are good enough to me. hugs
    Lisa

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  5. Big hug. I had so much anger for myself for so long.
    It is hard to live like at. Forever dissatisfied. Unable to meet unreasonable expectations. And even if you do, downplaying them.

    Yes. Perfectionism and shame motivated me too. And fear. Fear of being ridiculed. Of failing.

    Brene Brown's the gifts of imperfection started a lot of my personal healing. It is possible. I am doing it.

    And it is so relieving to cage that critic. You will get there.

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    Replies
    1. Thank you Anne!
      I really do think I will!
      I have hope!

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  6. Wendy,

    This is a great post! I completely identify with what you wrote and being hard on yourself. I was talking to a friend who told me that we shouldn't use language like "You should do X" or "You shouldn't do Y", but rather shift our way of thinking to if I do X I will feel great, if I do Y I may not feel so great. I thought that was a great way to think about things, that even when we say we "should" do something for ourselves, we are being self-critical and a lot of times setting ourselves up for expectations that can't be met.

    You are awesome and inspirational.

    And you are STILL a wonderful teacher, as I learn so much from reading your posts!!!!

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    Replies
    1. Dear WCM,
      Thank you so much!
      Your friend has a great way to think of things! No should or shouldn't s anymore!
      x

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  7. I hear you. My OH can play on his iPad or watch tv all day and say he is relaxing and he is happy about that. I am like you, I should be cooking, washing, writing or being otherwise productive.
    I was once told to advise myself as I would a dear friend. You would never berate a friend for not doing her yoga! You would say 'give yourself a break, it's only one day'. Yet self compassion is so much harder. Reading too is my luxury yet so often is at the bottom of my to do list that I never get to it. When I do read a lot, I try to think 'I deserve it' . Your honesty is inspirational. X

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    Replies
    1. Dear Rachel,
      Writing this post helped me. I really began healing after I realized the intense anger I had.
      Thank you.

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