How Deeply Can I Love

Dear Readers,
I still struggle on days. Not with drinking, but with thoughts of worthlessness, low energy and low mood, and feelings of loneliness. I still struggle with accepting who I am, and who I am not.

My therapist wants me to continue to work on being kind and compassionate to myself when I am physically and emotionally low.
I am re-reading the book The Gifts of Imperfection, by Brene Brown. I read it a year ago, but never really thought deeply and applied what I read. I am ready now.
(Anne, from Ainsobriety has told us about the course she took on this book. I found the on-demand course here.)

I tend to be an all or nothing girl. I am either estacally happy, or very depressed. I am either super busy or reading all day. I get so angry with myself when don't live up to who I think I should be. That takes a lot of energy. If I can learn to love myself a little bit more, I will have a better chance of living happier, healthier, and able to give more of myself to others.

I don't want to be me. Well, I want to be some of me, and some of other people.

I want to be someone who can run miles, who goes to hard yoga everyday, gets invited to all  the "in" parties, keeps her house clean, who can play her guitar and sing and hear it, has good physical health, eats healthy food all the time, cooks good meals for her husband, volunteers, has cute clothes, is thin, has and sees many friends, sees her family every month, meditates, never feels lonely, and makes money.

Now, reading this list makes me smile, but honestly? That is who I want to be.
Instead, I am someone who can walk, can go to one or two hard yoga classes a week, cleans her house about once a month, can't hear her guitar or sing anymore, has a bad back and weak wrists, sometimes eats healthy, never cooks, used to volunteer at school, still has some cute clothes, is still thin, has friends but most of them work, sees family about twice a year (they all live out of town), never mediates, feels lonely at times, suffers from anxiety and depression, writes a sober blog, and is retired.

When I was teaching, my career ran my life. Now that I am retired, I am learning to live a whole different way. It is such a struggle for me. I wish it came naturally. Some of my retired friends love retirement. They did not have these issues.

But, they are not me, and I am not them. 
And this is what is at the heart of the matter. 
My therapist wants me to find a gentler, kinder way for me to walk in my life.
Looking at my childhood, at all I have overcome, and really loving myself deeply.

With Acceptance on day 273.