Something Lost, Something Gained

My Cochlear Implant

Dear Readers,
Last November, I had a cochlear implant. 
I have had a hearing loss for most of my life, but over the last 10 years it declined very quickly.
I still use a hearing aid in my other ear, although it doesn't help much.

The implant helps me hear speech better, but it does not allow me to enjoy music.
This is nothing that can be learned.
It's how the implant works.
I used to play piano, sing, and play guitar.
I loved singing and playing with my students.
My ear before the implant had enough tones to hear melodies.

Now, I can't.
The implant doesn't let me understand melodies.
This has been the hardest thing for me to accept, and I can still cry about it if I think about it too much.
I know I should be glad I can hear speech better, and I am.
But music was a part of my soul.

I am linking a site to you here, that lets you hear what I hear when there is music.
My husband finally understood what I was feeling after listening to this.

I find myself going through the stages of grieving. 
I go back and forth between sadness and acceptance.

At first, when I stopped drinking, it felt like a loss. 
It still can when I'm in my low moods.
But the difference is, I am finding something else.
By not drinking I am finding a more active, happy life.

All through our lives we have to deal with losses; loved ones die, children leave home, pets die, we lose a physical ability, divorce, and so much more.
I am telling myself, there is no time table on grieving.
I don't have to be "happy" about my loss of not being able to hear music.
I can be happy for my speech, and sad about music.

I am not writing this because I feel particularity down today.
I am writing this to just explain a little bit more about me.
Retiring, stopping drinking, and my implant operation have been three big changes for me in the past year. 
When I put them together, I must give myself a little "You are doing okay, kid!"

With Hope on Day 330